You know, when they go on about the miracle that is incubating a parasitic organism in your previously fairly unsullied internal bits.

Chloasma

This gets a special name when applied to pregnant folk (cause we special), but is also known as melasma, or ugly stupid random patches of stupid brownness that appear randomly and stupidly on your face. It’s like mutant patchy tan sprinkles – apparently more common among people with darker skin, or those who foolishly spend time outside during (apparently) THE DAY.

Needless to say, I seem to have developed a (thankfully, so far) relatively minor occurrence of this on my forehead. It makes me feel old and liver-spotty, but doesn’t hurt or cause people to gasp and run in fear or anything. It’s just another of those little things you know nothing about because of the GLOBAL PREGNANCY CONSPIRACY. Oh, and thinking it’s like dirt or something, and scrubbing at it viciously – this does not help in the slightest. Just so you know.

The good thing about this mutation is that it apparently disappears once you’ve spawned. Unless it doesn’t. Then helpful people say stuff like ‘may require treatment to remove’. Joy.

Round Ligament Pain

I am, if not actually proud of, then at peace with my remarkable slothitude. I used to be active and play sports and stuff, and one day I’ll probably do it again. But for now, I rely on walking and constant fidgeting to work off some calories and keep me from ballooning into a gigantic person (which is now going to happen anyway, cause the universe has a sense of humour).

And as punishment for a very relaxed attitude to working any kind of muscle or keeping limber or toned, it seems pregnancy decides to do that stuff for you.

You’ve got this… magical baby holding compartment, right? And it’s anchored in place inside your innards by a bunch of ligaments. Check out this awesome pic I stoled! Haha… oh god, not attractive.

But anyway, your magical baby holding compartment needs to grow as its parasitic inhabitant feeds off your delicate body and expands. And as this happens, it pulls on the surrounding ligaments – which previously you never even knew existed. But you know now. Because it FREAKIN HURTS. It’s exercising your bits without any actual exercise, which would ordinarily be right up my alley; but it’s also pain with no readily identifiable gain, which is not so cool.

What does it feel like? Either horrible deep aches up the sides of the abdomen, or shooting stabbing pains (people who know stuff have described as following the path of a high bikini line – bi…ki…ni?) The one seems to start up when I go to bed. The other kicks in if I stupidly move too quickly, or wrench or twist or flex or bend. Or sometimes sneeze. It’s hard to say which is more fun. I think sometimes that if people at work were watching my facial expressions when the random stabbity ones kick in, they would think I was having some sort of spasm. I’m fairly sure I’m >.o most of the time.

Luckily if I stay really really still, I’m usually OK. Somehow I think I can manage that. >.>

By the way!

Because everyone keeps asking, no we don’t know the sex (heheh) yet! Our anatomy scan is next Thursday (Feb 7th), so all going well we’ll tell you then whether it’s a boy or a girl, or has horns and a tail. I leaves you with the above awesome icanhascheezburger pic.

PS, Fizzgig just came in with a Monarch butterfly. I believe I will now have ME a kit-kat.