Before we get to the guts of this week, a couple of announcements. First, dad just sent me this link, proving he is a humorous guy. Also, I want someone to make me the Cthulhu baby outfit. This kind of thing only serves to encourage me.

Second, at the half way point we ordered the spawn its first toy. It has been delivered and is now revealed! See! Toy! Bop N Beep is one of the Uglydolls range, and awesomer than most things one finds in the baby toy aisle. Plus! Double sided OOO.

Now, on with the show

So apparently the alien can hear what’s going on outside its luxury digs. Ie, when I tell Sam I’m going to kill him for being annoying, alien is going “Hey cool! I know that voice! I love my mum!” This meets with my approval.

Helpful people who think about baby stuff a lot say things like “talk to your belly!” (uh huh – “Hi belly. You’re kinda… fat. CHUBBACHUBBA”) and “read to it now; babies suck more vigorously when they hear stories they heard in utero!” So we’re currently trying to think of stories to read to my big fat stomach, despite the fact I hate reading out loud cause my mouth slows my brain down. Guess I have to get used to it. Or get Sam to do it. Which also meets with my approval.

Sam’s first (not at all serious) suggestion was “how about something Stephen King” and his second was The Hobbit. While I did read my first SK novel (The Stand) at about age 8, I don’t think it’s on many ‘books to nurture your babies with’ lists. And much as I love me some Tolkien, I think repeatedly reading something shorter and less full of Gwalin Balin Dalin Thalin Michael Palin might result in me going insane later rather than sooner.

So I’ve been trying to think of books that I enjoyed when I was younger – leaving aside the Greek mythology for the time being, because that was something of an abnormal obsession for a primary school kid. I know I read an unhealthy amount of Enid Blyton (vacuous tripe mostly – I have no excuse), and the various books of my mother’s that seemed to revolve around morality tales of greedy children getting their come-uppance, or midnight feasts in boarding schools.

But I also read most of the books off the Official List of Childrens Classics, so I’ve decided that’s a good place to start.

I’m leaning towards the Alice stories because the surrealism and general weirdness makes me gleeful. I vastly prefer Looking Glass to Wonderland – it’s more weird, hasn’t been done to death and contains the most excellent Jabberwocky. But then there’s something to be said for the brothers Grimm and their not-so-sanitised fairy tales, with all the deaths and dismemberments and bad things happening to decent folk. I did briefly consider trying some kid-friendly A A Milne or Beatrix Potter, but it probably should be something that won’t put ME to sleep. And while I’m quite fond of Milne’s poems, the actual Winnie the Pooh stories are kind of dull. Except for Eeyore, who is awesome.

Yeh, so anyway. By the time I make a decision, it’ll be too late. Meanwhile, we’re perfectly happy just watching my stomach ripple like something out of a tacky 80s horror movie (you know, like it does right before it explodes in twitchy gobbets).

Final deep and meaningful reflection for this week:

Why is it, upon finding out about my ’state’, that everyone’s first question is “are you keeping well?” In exactly that way, as if I were cheese. “Why yes, thank you. I haven’t dried out and very little mould has formed on my exposed surfaces.”

Yes, I’m keeping well. I’m always well. I’ve always been well. I’ve never had anything serious wrong with me, and I seldom have anything even minor go wrong. It’s probably all being saved up for one really big whammy (woohoo!), but generally, I am a healthy person.

I’m not sure if this was all supposed to change the second I began incubating, but I’m starting to think I should have a more exciting answer than “Yeah… nah, no barfing, no cravings, no unforeseen weight loss, no exorbitant weight gain, no cramping, no bleeding, everything happening pretty much on schedule, as advertised. Sorry.” Maybe I should carry my Alien pictures with me at all times and be all “Well ACTUALLY…”

Muahaha.